I am a masochist and I crave pain. I crave pain because I believe I deserve it. I believe in some sick twisted way that I have done something in this life to deserve pain.
I crave physical pain to drown out the emotional pain that I have endured. You might sit there and think oh this bitch is full of it how can someone who is only in their 20's have had so much emotional pain to feel this way.
Well let me tell you. At 16 I found out I was pregnant with my first child. He was born 100% healthy, and at 3 weeks old he passed away. A child I carried within me for 9 months, gone, just like that. You try doing CPR on your child and see what it does to you. I can still remember that like it was yesterday. It haunts my dreams.
I have watched so many people who I loved die. You say it is just a part of life and everyone sees it. True it is, but with each loved ones passing a part of my heart went with them. I love deep and the pain of losing these people sometimes is more than I can bare.
On the days it is to hard for my brain to process my emotions I crave physical pain. The sting of the belt, the thud of the paddle, takes away the memories, even if but for a moment it takes them away. It transports me to a place where I do not feel anything but each hit my Sir gives me. Each swing of the paddle washing over me, drowning out all other pain.
I just really needed to get this off of my chest. I am here having a rough day. Trying to balance being a wife, a submissive, a mother, and a business owner, and the past couple of days it has really taken a toll on me.
XOXOXO
Mattie
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